I have to stop talking to her because every time we do, I get this urge to message him and tell him every last dirty thing we ever did. I don’t know what is causing me to feel like this — I suppose it could be his smug sense of satisfaction that he has her wrapped around his finger again. It could be that I know she isn’t doing this because she loves him, but because she loves her daughter and doesn’t want to lose her (and that is straight from her mouth). It could even be that part of me just wants her to feel like complete shit because I feel completely betrayed.
Whatever the reason, it takes everything I have to not go into every last detail of our sex life…every single day of my life.

I hate that I was just a tool to further their life together. She always said she hated that she had only had sex with him and only got to experience a relationship with him. I was the tool out of that reality. Months ago, when I was just someone she confessed to wanting to be with, she was just an ideal. Sometimes, I wish she would have stayed that way. She remained an ideal until the day she left and even now, it is hard for me to be mean.

When she was here the other day, I heard him crying and screaming outside. I hate that I felt bad for him, just as I felt bad for myself. These last months, all she has done is put both of us through misery and put it to such a degree that I will always hate him and he will always hate me.
And all of it, from the first time she fucked me to the first time she fucked him again, was all because she has this dream world concocted where everything has to fall in place the way they are supposed to. She makes shit up that isn’t even true just so those things fall in their “proper” place. It makes me wonder if she fucked me to spite him.

I imagine that when she is over at his house, she reverts right back to the personality she faked when she was there last time. That makes me question if her personality here was ever really genuine. In one week, he went from the most cruel person on earth to her friend. She has her scapegoat, but it is either a lie to herself or our entire relationship was a lie to me. There is absolutely no way both can be true.

I keep telling her that if this is the route she chooses, that I have to make my exit from her life because I think it’s cruel of HER to put all three of them (and selfishly, me) into such a shitty situation. When we were driving around the other day, she was the same Kaitlin that she was all those months prior. Not a single good word was uttered from her lips about him. In fact, a conversation went like this:

“He’s changed.” She said, staring out of the Grand Am’s window.
“Why are you lying right now?” I asked, gripping the steering wheel so I wouldn’t drive it off the road and flip the car.
“I don’t know. Because it’s all I have. I’m not going to let those people raise her, Cody.”

Now where does that take me? She left here that night knowing she loved me still. She left here not wanting to leave. What kind of position does that put me in? When I tried to challenge her on it, she just got mad at me and put her mask back on her face. The thing that sucks the most is that I know exactly what she is doing when she does it…so it makes it seem like she isn’t doing it at all. She has always said that I was her synonym, and that we both had the exact same brain. So I try to put myself in this position. I ask myself, “If Jessica were to offer to get back with me right now, would I do it?” And the exterior part of me says fuck no, but knowing I could raise Evelyn the way I wanted to makes me, at the very least, seriously consider such a reality. Jessica and Gabe are a lot alike. I could very easily manipulate Jessica (as she can easily manipulate Gabe), as I did for years, and raise Evelyn the exact way I thought she should be raised. I wouldn’t have to put her through dance classes (just like she can do with her daughter now). I wouldn’t have to pretend to be the stereotypical parent just so there was no argument (no court battles, no custody battles). Evelyn could be raised exactly how I saw fit: And that would be worth the lie to me. I would be completely miserable with Jessica just so I could have that.
So can I fault her? I guess I can’t. And I guess that hurts the most because I wish I could. If you don’t have a child, more specifically a young child, you just can’t know what this shit is like. It simply is not possible to even conceive it. But knowing she is going to hurt herself and not be happy makes me perpetually inclined to try to stop it. It’s like, if there was a gun to her head, I would try to take the fucking thing away. She’s asking me to let her pull the trigger…and I don’t know how to do that.

I hate that I don’t hate Gabe right now. I hate that, in ways, I envy the motherfucker. I hate that, in ways, I hate her right now. I never thought this would ever be the case. I miss Scarlet like I miss Evelyn, and I constantly feel like their presence is missing from my life. I wish she didn’t allow me to embrace all of that.

She is the only girl I can ever say I truly loved (sans my daughter), and I don’t know how to just let it die.